Behold as I play my compatriots like puppets and exploit their differences in preferred beverages for my own pleasure!

Braniff

“I came across an old Playstation game for Pepsiman, who was a famous mascot Pepsi had in Japan. Isn’t his existence alone proof positive of the superiority of Pepsi? DISCUSS!”

CHIP: How dare you! Coke has Polar Bears!!! It’s much more environmentally friendly!!!

Braniff

“Hmmm so according to Chip, Coke is superior because they promote a more environmentally conscious message. Do you have anything to say about that, Dave?”

DAVID: What could be a more environmentally-friendly mascot than one that only uses resources on-demand? Polar bears consume resources 24/7 and as their thanks, produce methane, a greenhouse gas, which threatens our very existence in return.

Coca Cola Polar Bears

And they ate the guy they got the scarf from.

Pepsiman is a bit of whimsy representing what is great about mankind, engendering a feeling of peace, prosperity, and hope for the future, while the polar bears do nothing but make our future uncertain. Sure, the polar bears are cute, but what use are they beyond that? You can’t even make a warm coat out of them any longer. The case for the bear is a weak one, indeed. Pepsi FTW!

Braniff

“Ooooo are you just going to sit there and take that Chip? Though I guess Dave is right. I mean, even 7Up once had a mascot. I guess Pepsi is the better!”

Cool Spot

In the 90s, if you didn’t have a video game to go along with your corporate mascot, well… you were probably better off. But that doesn’t mean you shouldn’t have put forth the effort!

CHIP: Braniff… I… I don’t even know who you are anymore!

Braniff

“What do you ever mean? I’m just a neutral observer, trying to solicit experienced advice on which is the superior soda from two trusted colleagues, and not some villain trying to pit two friends against each other for his own amusement. NOW CHALLENGE DAVID ON WHAT HE SAID AND STRIKE HIM DOWN!!! I mean, what do you have to say about which has the better taste? Pepsi? Coke? Lemme hear your arguments for…”

DAVID: Chip, are you going to perform like an organ-grinder monkey while he gleefully rubs his palms together, watching one us eliminate one another in some sort of competition? Do you think it’s all some sort of plan to elevate the status of his favorite cola: RC?!

CHIP: Oh… Oh Braniff… RC?!?!? REALLY!?!?!? And I thought you had already HIT Rock Bottom.

Braniff

“They had some good flavors on long road trips as a kid. Did you ever try RC Cream Soda and…. THIS ISN’T ABOUT ME!!!! COKE… PEPSI…. FIGHT DAMN YOU!!!!! TEAR EACH OTHER TO SHREDS!!!  Errrr I mean have a pleasant and spirit debate. W-w-why are y’all looking at me like that?”

DAVID: And you know why he loves it, Chip? It was because of their 80s ad campaign with a King Arthur character, who at the end of the commercial looks into the camera and says, “I like the can a lot,” a pun for Camelot. Braniff is a closet pun-lover, as we both know, but he doesn’t want word to get out, hence his setting us upon each other!

Braniff

“LIES!!!!! I… you… Chip…” (BRANIFF RUNS AWAY)

Braniff

Author Braniff

Braniff believes there isn’t a problem that watching a lil’ Godzilla or a bit of impulse shopping can’t fix.

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