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Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice… too late, because you already burned your bridge the first time and I vow revenge!

Rodan. Ghidorah. Total chaos. Mass confusion. You’d think that an ardent lover of all things Godzilla such as yours truly would be enthralled at the prospect, but you’d be wrong. For I remember the trailer for 2014’s Godzilla, and how what was awesome in promise turned out to be utter crap in practice.

Eventually I’ll divulge my feelings for Godzilla (2014) in full in an installment of Kaiju Kountdown, but here’s a bit of a spoiler warning—it won’t be ranked near the top, and it won’t be kind.

Godzilla (2014)

“At least I didn’t have Ferris Bueller hanging around me this time,  and that’s gotta account for something, right? Right?!”

A trailers sole purpose is to get to down the theater where all sales are final, and because of that it’s simply foolhardy to put one’s trust and faith in what’s being projected. Scenes are placed in random order, select moments are highlighted—whatever it takes to elicit the desired reaction from the potential film buyer. Pluck out the one moment of actual driving, and Drive can me made to look like The Fast & Furious. Star Wars Rogue One and Avengers Infinity War, filled with vignettes the filmmakers admit where ONLY for the trailer and never had any intention to be included in the final product. Trailers should be taken with a hearty grain of salt and outright skepticism. I know it. WhatCulture knows it. You should know it too, I mean—what the $%^& do you think I’ve been alluding to all this time? Keep up!

Let’s jump in the TARDIS/DeLorean/your-time-machine-of-choice and travel back to 2014, when we were treated to a trailer that filled our stomachs with giddy anticipation for ominous delights that assuredly awaited us upon the final products release…

Talk about bait and switch! Just watching that again makes me angry. Following up the teaser trailer with its Oppenheimer quote and Cranston crying warning made it seem that Godzilla was going to be a deadly force of nature spawned by the folly of man but instead Heisenberg breaks bad and dies in the first act leaving Godzilla barely be a presence except to serve as simply a bug exterminator while we’re /suppose/ to be more concerned about some milquetoast soldier’s search for his family and not the MUTOs who are so instantly forgettable with their dollar store Cloverfield spindly-legged chic oooooooooo don’t get me started on their particular brand of suck.

As always, Honest Trailers sums it up best…

So can they do better with Godzilla: King of Monsters? Of course, but somehow I very much doubt they will.

Godzilla, King of Monsters

I bet you in the end they very damn well will make a pet sit of Godzilla, having formed a loving bond with Eleven, which is just a step away from being given a pager and placed on call by the crew of the Calico.

Godzilla: King of Monsters won’t be out for another few months and I already hate it! That said, I’ll be right there in the theater to see it. Hope springs eternal, and after three dozen movies in, the chance to jump this particular ship of fandom has been long gone.

Godzilla (2014)

“You can never quit me, baby. Our love it too strong! Also, I’m a giant monster so I won’t let you…”