You know him. You love him. But is this cagey cad truly worthy of all this unvetted adoration?
[sc name=”hoh-intro”]
Ahhh Han Solo. Swindler. Rogue. A loner who comes to join the fight for the common good, and becomes a chief figure in the Rebel Alliances efforts to valiantly overthrow Darth Vader and the Galactic Empire. He’s the quintessential anti-hero. So anti in fact, that I say this bum is no hero at all!
[sc name=”hoh-con” con=”Dirty Dealer” reason=”Lando called him a no good swindler and that’s good enough for me!” ]
And when he said it, Han immediately knew who Lando was talking about. I’ll take the word of a reputable businessman over a pirate any day.
[sc name=”hoh-con” con=”Drug Dealer” reason=”Han Solo was a reputed spice smuggler, and what do you think spice is? It sure isn’t paprika!” ]
[sc name=”hoh-con” con=”Flamboaster” reason=”Every word that comes out his mouth is crap.” ]
Just like any chump in the drug game, Han talked a big game, but was just nothing more than a duffel bag boy. And a stupid one! Idly sitting around in a local tavern in the same town as the gangster he was gravely indebted to…? No wonder Greedo got the drop on him.
[sc name=”hoh-con” con=”Quitter” reason=”Any hero worth his salt would’ve gone down fighting, not just given his girl a steamy look before being sealed in a giant pencil lead.” ]
Thank you, Dave. And truer words were never spoken. No only did this “valiant space captain” dip into the carbonite with the same ease I dip my toe in to the test the temperature of my pool, I have no doubt that when Vader forced him to stay for dinner, he acquiesced and ate all his vegetables too.
[sc name=”hoh-pro” pro=”Comes Through in the Clutch” reason=”Saved Luke in the nick-of-time allowing him to blow up the Death Star. And later risked his life on a taun-taun in freezing cold to save Luke once again.” ]
Fine, I will admit that at one time I too used to think that it rather bad-ass when Han cut open that taun-taun in order to survive the freezing cold of Hoth. Then I remembered—IT WAS ALREADY DEAD!
[sc name=”hoh-con” con=”Animal Cruelty” reason=”There’s nothing glamorous about poking roadkill with a stick, even if it based off of some laser technology.” ]
But still, I grant you that there were moments in which Mr. Solo was indeed capable of noble deeds. Quite altruistic in fact, because though he may have initially “been in it for the money,” he stuck around out of love. But ironically said noble actions lose their luster under the hard truth of scrutiny…
[sc name=”hoh-pro” pro=”Has Your Back” reason=”Han was always there for Luke.” ]
True, he covered young Skywalker at the battle of Yavin-4, and went the extra mile to save him from freezing to death on Hoth. Oh yes, if you’re a friend, Han always has your back…
[sc name=”hoh-con” con=”Back-Stabber” reason=”…because it makes it easier for him to stab you there later!” ]
Han knew Luke had the hots for Leia, yet the minute Luke was off getting an education, Han started putting the moves on his friend’s woman. You don’t do your boy dirty like that!
Furthermore, Skywalker men have a history of losing their shit when things with their women don’t go right. Han’s treacherous lust put the entire galaxy at risk, and it’s time for him to be exposed as the fraud he is!
Preposterous! Leia was THE ONLY girl to get! What is so heroic about winning the girl if it’s by default? You probably also admire Jabba the Hutt for his way with the ladies — chain them up until they love you. Smooth, real smooth. By the way, that was sarcasm. But when I say that you should be smacked with the carcass of a dead halibut for such shoddy judgment of character, rest assured that I’m being most sincere!
[sc name=”hoh-hype” intro=”It may take dash ‘n daring to rock trousers with red piping, but in the end Han Solo, you are all…” outro=”You’re nothing but a charlatan and a thief, but at least you have a Wookie that loves ya.” ]